Top 5 Lies every Addict tells Herself

Let’s face it, as addicts we are expected to tell fibs. It may be that after years of our putting up with us, the people we love lose faith in us because we have proved we can’t always be trusted. We might lie to get money or help, to avoid prosecution or in an attempt to cover up our addiction. Friends might be tired of once again hearing our news that we have got clean ‘for good’ or of exciting new plans for a future which never materialises.

What they don’t often realise is that the person we have become most adept at fooling is usually ourselves. And that similarly to them, we regard ourselves with frustration and disgust, as once again our good intentions crumble and we realise again we have been fooled. When this happens repeatedly, spanning weeks, months and years, it can be that we simply give up and resign ourselves to failure. Failure if you are a heroin addict means giving up on life.

The battle we are fighting goes on within and can be lonely, frustrating and exhausting. In order to win it, it’s important to observe what’s going on when we get a craving to be able to stop ourselves running with it. Here are the big ones:

  1. If I use today, I won’t tomorrow

This is the classic lie the addict tells. And maybe some times it will be the case, but it’s a safe bet that that time will be the minority. Once your brain chemistry has been altered to that extent, self-control will go out the window. And if it doesn’t this time, it will the next.

  1. If I use tomorrow, it’ll be ok as long as I’m not using by Saturday and I feel ok for an important event / something I need to do.

This is a terrible trick because even if you do manage to stop before ‘the day’ you will likely feel so low that you won’t be able to face it. Then you are likely to use just because you realise you have messed it up anyway.

  1. Even if I’m using, I’ll make sure that however I feel, I will get things done

When the endorphins are flowing, it’s easy to be confident of this and forget how it actually feels to be in that pit. Humans seem to have developed by way of survival, the tendency to remember pleasure and forget pain – otherwise many women would only give birth once. We remember the good bits – however when it comes to addiction, this isn’t helpful.

  1. As long as I keep positive thoughts clear in my mind, I’ll be ok

No matter how much experience proves otherwise, we still seem to convince ourselves that next time will be different. The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing but expecting different results. As a fairly intelligent person, I am still baffled by my own idiocy here. Like the story of the ‘Red Shoes’, once our feet start tapping we can’t stop and we dance ourselves to the grave.

The mind is a powerful thing, but while we’re not in control of it, it can take us from a good place to a bad one in record time. And once there we remember how stupid we were to think it was that easy.

  1. This time it will be different

The fact is, once you have become addicted, it never will be different. You can never go back to those first days, months or years when you were able to pick it up and put it down.

The problem is that as addicts, our brains are hard wired to not be able to take our drug of choice only once. And once we do, all right and sane thinking is lost. We have developed a default reaction when faced with stress, which is to use. And breaking that default will take years of abstinence; don’t kid yourself that because you have been clean for a few months, it will be different – within a couple of days you will be starting to run on auto-pilot and within a week you can feel like you have landed on your arse at square one.

However, no matter how many times you land on your arse, you have to refrain from beating yourself up and start again. Don’t be afraid to admit to yourself and others that you have had a relapse; do whatever you need to do to turn it around. Even if you have to do it a hundred, or a thousand times, never ever lose hope that you will eventually beat it and get the life you deserve. Relapsing is a disaster, but it’s not a disaster that you can’t come back from.

Keep in your mind the life you want free from drugs and imagine how it will be. What will you be doing? What will your life look like? Never, ever lose sight of the fact that you’ll get there. Keep trying no matter how many times you have failed and be willing to try anything to get there.

Beating addiction is a process and the road is never straight. It’s probably the hardest thing you will ever do so be gentle with yourself.

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Feeling Tired and Feeling Skint

It is ironic that I didn’t have children because I was afraid of being like my own mother, afraid of messing them up, afraid that I couldn’t give children what they need. It’s sad that I have ended up watching the same thing happen to my partner’s children. I feel a lot of guilt that I’m an adult here and influential in their lives but at the same time powerless to change what’s happening in front of us.

It is sad how many children live to fulfil their mother’s needs, rather than the other way around. I feel so sorry for this little girl because her mother has used my partner’s love for her to try to destroy our happiness and our lives.

Since we began a court case to get the children back in our lives after the mother ended our contact, we have gone from my partner seeing them only in a contact centre every fortnight and being told by CAFCASS that they would go into the care of social services if he went for shared care, to a year later looking at them coming to live with us 50% of the time.

The tough thing is that the little girl has been with her mother through all of it – the extreme venom she speaks about us to anyone who knows us, the horrible lies they have been told about their dad, deliberately neglecting their schooling and basic care to get back at him… it goes on.

The weird thing is this woman doesn’t want him – she has never really been in love with him or wanted a commitment with him – she just cannot bear that he is with a younger woman as it hurts her ego. For that she has put us through a total nightmare.

I feel exhausted quite often, not just with the negativity of this woman’s presence in our lives and the worry but also the fact that I never seem to stop working and never have anything much to show for it. I’m glad I live in a poor ghetto area where no one else has much either because if I had to watch people going on holiday and buying nice things it would bother me more. At least I’m in the same boat as everyone else.

Sometimes though it just is tiring and I feel like I would love a holiday. I haven’t been on holiday for 18 years and I think I could do with getting away from it all for a while. I hope that if we keep putting one foot in front of the other, we will reach somewhere worth working for. I’m also aware though that happiness comes from inside, not from external circumstances – it’s just hard sometimes.

Acting out of Love or Acting out of Anger

I know that every thing that I suffer, has a lesson for me. But when I miss the point of that lesson and react improperly, I can end up creating more suffering.

This is the case with this situation with my boss. She is trying to put me down and bully me and I am reacting out of anger. I am thinking, ‘How dare she?’ and thinking I will go in there and tell her not to dare ever speak about me like that again. Part of me knows that she suffers and that is why she is trying to harm me, but the part of me that sees myself as a victim and puts myself first thinks, ‘She wouldn’t know what hardship was if it jumped up and bit her on the bum.’ ‘She doesn’t know pain like I do’.

There is wrong thinking going on there.

The obvious way to tackle this situation took almost 48 hours to dawn. The reality is, it has hurt that she has called me a thief and said bad things about me behind my back, while being friendly to my face. It hurts. So the obvious way to tackle this, is to explain to her that she has hurt my feelings. I know intuitively that she is competitive with me, very immaturely, because she thinks her boyfriend is attracted to me. Even though she knows I am not interested in her boyfriend, she is angry with me. That is unfair. So I will have to explain to her, gently, that this is causing me a lot of pain.

I’m so glad I didn’t storm in and smash a tea urn on her head now. I’m very glad I gave myself a couple of days to calm down so I didn’t act out of anger. I can see now that there are big lessons to learn here and how I handle these people is crucial to my forward progress. It just goes to show, life provides you with all the lessons you need to achieve growth.

Grateful for Today

I have been very angry today; angry about people treating me like dirt and taking advantage of my difficult situation. Like my boss, who I work very hard for but who seems to take pleasure in talking behind my back, accusing me of petty theft and criticising everything I do. To top it off she apparently made some joke to a friend of hers about me being on methadone.

Also my landlord who, after living in this slum house for 8 months with no heating, filthy walls and a list of problems; now that we are helping him to do it up and putting in hours of work, he then tries to charge us for the rent and tells us he will be putting the rent up once the house is done up!

Bizarrely when I was addicted to heroin and really low, people were quite nice to me, in general. Now that I’m trying to move on in my life, they seem to be trying to kick me back down. This happens (as I described in my last post).

What a C***. I would really like to give them all a big mouthful. However, it seems instead, a good time to write my gratitude list.

(Deep breath)

Today I am Grateful For:

Having a partner who I love & trust totally

My beautiful dogs

Having a roof over my head

My nails look great

So do my clothes (first time ever)

I feel fit enough to climb a mountain

Having coffee & croissants for breakfast (and appreciating them)

I get upset, but actually I’m hard.

Being excited about the future

Winter is nearly over.

I’m properly alive and making forward progress.

Thank  you for letting me share this with you xx

Our Purpose on this Earth

I believe that we are all here on this planet for a reason. We each have our own lessons to learn and our own contribution to make. Finding out that purpose might be a life’s work for some of us; for others we know intuitively what we need to do from early on. I believe that we will keep returning until we learn the lessons we need to learn.

In the same way the principle of karma can keep bringing us back to the same difficult stuff to deal with, until we deal with it properly and move on.

This has certainly been the case in my life. Each time I have got clean off heroin in the past, life has thrown a load of shit at me. Or perhaps I threw a load of shit at myself, it’s difficult to tell! The first time someone actually threatened to kill me and my partner and we were in fear of our lives until we managed to make them leave us alone. I relapsed then. The next time I took on trying to fix someone else’s problems instead of my own and ended up being attacked as a result. The person who I risked it all to support betrayed me later, so it meant nothing to her. Now this time my partners ex has stopped us seeing the children; which started from the minute we left the detox ward. I very often think, ‘This isn’t fair!’; and then I have to acknowledge that there must be a reason for all this.

When I went for a Reiki healing, the healer told me that I would understand one day why this is happening, but that these things will keep happening unless I move through them, instead of resorting to drugs to cope. She said, ‘They want to know how strong you are, not to relapse’. It certainly seems that way! I feel like I’m being tested and this time, I’m going to get through.

She also told me that I need to learn lessons now so that I can support other women through similar things. I know this to be true, inside myself on a deep level. I know very well that I am at an important point in my life where I am being forced to face what I’m most scared of – my own emotions of anger and fear. There is no running away now; no escape into the world of addiction.

Every day that I am free from intoxicants, I get stronger and I learn more. I ask the universe to help me to accept my emotions; my anger and my fear; and to trust that no matter what I feel, I am safe as long as I stay on my path. I ask the angels to watch over me and help me to see the way through. And to bless and help others who are facing anger, fear, sorrow and pain.

Image: Artist Unknown

I Am Like A Little Pencil in God’s Hand

I love this, real wisdom; made me cry 🙂

The Quiet Cottage

imageimageMother Theresa is the foremost person I would strive to emulate. She is one of my most divine inspirations. Not that I could hope to even follow in her holy footsteps, but her words and actions call to me over and over again. They are so much of what the Quiet Cottage is all about – Inspiration for Your Soul.

According to The Prayer Foundation, this was found written on the wall in Mother Teresa’s home for children in Calcutta. Other sources claim it was on the wall in her room. I hope you enjoy this as much as I do. It’s certainly deserves contemplation, don’t you think? I love how realistic she is. No rose colored glasses for her, just reality and love of God lighting the way. Here goes:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of…

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Can someone tell me, Why???

Can anyone out there please answer a question for me?

Are you a mother who has stopped the father of her children from seeing the kids out of malice? Could you please tell me why? Did it make you feel better? Did you worry about hurting the children?

It’s ironic (and painful), that while me and my partner were chaotic heroin users; sick and exhausted and making our money to survive by begging, their mother put relentless pressure on us to look after my partners kids. Now I see that she was just trying to push us to breaking point. 

Since we have done a detox in hospital and moved into a house which we are renovating and starting our own business; since then we haven’t seen the children. She has told the courts that she never knew we were addicts before (absolute lie), and that she is worried to leave them with us in case they come to harm if we relapse. 

She knew we were addicts because she enjoyed telling everyone that she saw who had ever known us that we were addicts. 

To see my partner breaking his heart, suicidal and after coming through all this to provide stability for the children, it tears me apart. And even though its so obvious that she is acting out of malice and even more insanely, while she refuses to let us see the chidren, she is regularly leaving the children in the care of a heroin addict, the courts don’t seem to care.

I just can’t believe that someone can be so vicious. Does she want us dead? Why is she doing this???

It makes me want to give up because since trying our best to create a better life, we have only suffered more.